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English puns.....

Posted by Michael Sausman on February 1, 2011 at 8:58 AM

I love the English language and the ability to make puns - words that sound the same but with different meanings.

Here's a few that although old are still amusing....


1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist  camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on ahead."

 

13. I wondered why the tennis ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:  "Keep off the Grass."

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gasand pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

 

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carryingt wo dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir,only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak werechilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One said,"I've lost my electron." The other said "Are you sure?" Thefirst replied, "Yes, I'm positive."

 

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

 

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